CAROLYNN'S CREW 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer Please sign my guestbook, and include your city & state (country also, if international) click here Below, you may view my personal journal in preparation for the 2005 walks. Carolynn's Crew Philadelphia: Carolynn Johnson Kelle Merritt Diane Jones Theresa Angelosanto Lois Garrett Ruth Novak Teri Niemand Dione Beilgard Carolynn's Crew San Diego: Susan Safran Darlene Flynn Carolynn's Crew Dallas: Dione Beilgard Bridget Mohrmann Carolynn's Crew Germany: Alex Mamet Martina Knaak For my complete story of breast cancer during pregnancy, click here To view other years journals and return to the main page, click here   web pinkribbonmiracle.com

THE JOURNAL most recent entries at the top click here to view 2005 Philadelphia Walk Pics click here to view 2005 San Diego Walk Pics Monday October 31, 2005 Today I started my second week of allergy shots. On Friday (my third shot) I had an unusual reaction, so I am back again to the starting dose again, and we go from there. The morning neurontin makes me quite sleepy at about 11am, and I have to fight through it for a few hours. I've only taken it three days, and am fairly confident my body will adjust. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday October 30, 2005 "There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday October 29, 2005 Today I started the addition of a morning dose of neurontin. I did feel "drugged", but should adjust in a few days. I'm starting at 1/3 my nightly dose and hope to keep it low. Thank you God, for another day. Friday October 28, 2005 "The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday October 27, 2005 "The essence of friendship is entireness, a total magnanimity and trust." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday October 26, 2005 My follow-up appointment with the rheumatologist was today. He checked my fibromyalgia pressure points, and as expected, my hips were the most intense. I declined an injection at this point. I am increasing the dosage of neurontin, to try and tolerate a morning dose along with the current nightly dose. I asked for a lower morning dose to start, while I continue to make lifestyle changes. I also had my second allergy shot today, and seem to suffer no ill effects from those. Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: Driving home from Church, it is dark, and the sky is lit brightly with stars...and one plane. Abigail: "Hey, one star is moving!" Me: "That's an airplane, honey." Hannah: "Maybe it's Jesus pushing the stars around." And one from Abigail-- (these days she's about sports, jewelry, purses and lip gloss..so we don't get those small child funnies as often from her) "Mommy, when I get older I am going to write a book and autograph it to you." "That's would be cool, Puff" "Wait, I can't do that. When I'm grown up, you'll be dead, right?" "No darling." Tuesday October 25, 2005 "Eloquence lies as much in the tone of the voice, in the eyes, and in the speaker's manner, as in his choice of words." Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: Peter Pan DVD is playing-- "I forwarded it to where Peter comes on, Mommy." "Oh, you like to see him?" "It's a her." "I think Peter is a boy, Han." "No, it's a girl." "Are you sure?" "Uh-huh, 'cause it sings like a girl." "Oh, ok." Monday October 24, 2005 "Whatever there be of progress in life comes not through adaptation but through daring, through obeying the blind urge." Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: While I was away this weekend, Frank took the girls to a friend's cookout. I called to check on them that night. "Did you have a good time, Hannah?" "I ate three marshmallows and one marsh." "One marsh, huh? Was it black?" (I'm trying to figure out what a marsh is, maybe a toasted marshmallow or something) "No, it wasn't black. I ate the chocolate, too." "Did it also have crackers on the outside like Mommy's cookies?" (Graham crackers resemble the English cookies I eat and she loves. I'm thinking it was a s'more.) "Well, honey, I'm glad you ate the marsh and you liked it." The phone was handed to Abigail and I told her what her sister said. "She means s'mores, Mommy. Marsh is just funny, isn't it?" Sunday October 23, 2005 In an airport today, I saw a lady wearing a survivor breast cancer shirt and went to introduce myself. "How long?" I asked. "One year" she replied. I gave her one of my cards and shared my story with her. The kinship among survivors can be found anywhere... Thank you God, for another day. Saturday October 22, 2005 What can be better than the joy of laughter and the trust of shared tears among best friends? Thank you God, for another day. Friday October 21, 2005 "A gift, with a kind countenance, is a double present." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday October 20, 2005 The headaches are back full force, and have been daily for almost two weeks. As the doctor predicted, I did have a slight reprieve in the summer. I'm now scheduled to start the allergy shots on Monday, for three days a week. The plan is to continue that frequency for three months and then evaluate my progress at that point. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday October 19, 2005 "The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday October 18, 2005 It was difficult to complete the entire workout at Curves yesterday, but I did it. Thank you God, for another day. Monday October 17, 2005 By now, the San Diego Crew is home and starting to get some rest. I was so glad Susan called every day. It was wonderful to hear how well they were doing. WAY TO GO SUSAN & DARLENE! Thank you God, for another day. Sunday October 16, 2005 I have not fully recovered from the trip on Thursday. I really need to look closer at my schedule and see how I can better adjust. I'd rather make lifestyle changes than increase meds, if at all possible. If the doctor still recommends that I increase the neurontin, I will heed his advise. Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: "Mommy, guess what we had for snack today in class?" "I don't know. What, honey?" "Vanilla wipers." "Yummy, I love vanilla wipers." Saturday October 15, 2005 "Wit is far more often a shield than a lance." Thank you God, for another day. Friday October 14, 2005 "To be nobody-but-myself---in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else---means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: It's chilly out today, and Hannah has a cough/cold. She wanted to play outside, so I bundled her up. "Hannah, you can't stay out long, ok?" "Why? Because I'll get a flea?" Thursday October 13, 2005 The new stomach meds seem to have helped some, so I am trying to reintroduce a few foods. I did try beef and it made me very ill. I'll wait a few days, then try again with another food that I was at least able to tolerate a couple months ago. The fibromyalgia seems to be better controlled now, but only when I am home or making short car trips. I had to drive three hours today,(one and a half each way) and my hips and lower back hurt the entire time. By this evening, my entire body feels like I've been beat. I'll ask the doctor if I can increase the meds when I know I have to travel, to anticipate the flare-up. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday October 12, 2005 "Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible, and receives the impossible." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday October 11, 2005 Silence can be bliss. Pure bliss. Thank you God, for another day. Monday October 10, 2005 I am still committed to the exercise at Curves, three days each week. I have been working out a month, and I already feel stronger. At the moment, I am extremely busy with too many things going on, yet I am proud to say that I have not wavered. Regardless of how busy I may be, the exercise is one of my prescriptions-- and I will NOT be irresponsible with my health. Thank you God for another day. Sunday October 9, 2005 "Touch a thistle timidly, and it pricks you; grasp it boldly, and its spines crumble." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday October 8, 2005 "Rain! whose soft architectural hands have power to cut stones, and chisel to shapes of grandeur the very mountains." Thank you God, for another day. Friday October 7, 2005 FALL. GLORIOUS FALL. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday October 6, 2005 "It isn't important to come out on top, what matters is to be the one who comes out alive." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday October 5, 2005 Thank you, Michelle, for one of the best CD's I've heard. Your voice and lyrics touch me deeply. my favorite track please allow time to load Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday October 4, 2005 "It's about the journey, not the summit" Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: My dad bought a new basketball goal for the youth building at Church, so they could play indoors as well. He and Hannah were there alone yesterday, "shooting hoops". Hannah to Poppy: "You aren't too good at this, are you?" Monday October 3, 2005 "Words, like Nature, half reveal And half conceal the Soul within." Thank you God, for another day. Sunday October 2, 2005 "Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together, that at length they may emerge, full-formed and majestic, into the daylight of Life, which they are henceforth to rule." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday October 1, 2005 I woke up feeling good, confident about my ability to walk one mile. The walk route didn't go as close to the stadium as I had hoped, so I made a detour. I think that one mile became 2-3 when it was said and done. Although I had been by the stadium before, I had never walked up to it. The size of those panthers amazed me. When I walked around and saw the ribbon, it was a moment that took my breath. It's a very strong statement to me...the strength of the panther, in contrast with the ribbon for the disease. At times, as a survivor, I have felt the strength of the panther, the victory of a battle fought hard. In addition to being a Carolina Panther fan, it was even more significant to me. When I saw Sam's statue from afar, I felt I was looking at the real man. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to look into those eyes. In silent contemplation, I thanked him..for who he was, and expressed my sorrow that he was no longer with us. The inscription at the bottom, "leader and gentleman" is the biggest compliment and testament to who Sam was, and it thrilled me to read that. Standing beside him, I almost wanted to just rest my head on his chest for a moment. Sam, you touched me deeply. Thanks for the part you shared in my own life. Gone, but NEVER forgotten. Thank you God, for FOUR YEARS. I am not worthy of my miracle, but I will be eternally grateful for it. Friday September 30, 2005 Happy Birthday, Michael! I love you very much! Thank you God, for another day. Thursday September 29, 2005 As many of you know, I used to live in Charlotte and I am a Carolina Panthers fan. Sam Mills, former player and member of the coaching staff of the Panthers passed away a few short months ago. When Sam was undergoing cancer treatment, I felt a bond with him, an invisible connection. I was able to obtain his contact information, and I wrote him a letter and told him my story. I also had a small shoe that looked like a panther, the team mascot. I took a pen and wrote "BELIEVE" along the side. I hoped that maybe he would like it, perhaps put it somewhere and once in a while glimpse the word believe---and remember my story, so that he could be hopeful about his own recovery. I also included a second shoe and humbly asked if he would sign one for me, too. Less than a week later, I was walking in my house and the phone started to ring. My arms were full, and under normal circumstances, I would just let the machine get it. For some reason, I dropped my things and grabbed the phone. "Is Carolynn Johnson in?" "Speaking" "Carolynn, this is Sam Mills" The next few words were almost a stutter as I was grasping that Sam Mills was on the phone. ProBowl Repeat, Coach, NFL, SAM MILLS. He told me he had received the package and had read my story. "Wow, that's some story! It's amazing!" Then he mentioned the shoe. "That shoe...I'm a guy, and I love it! All the girls in the office are passing it around. They all want one", he laughed. He said he'd be glad to sign the other shoe for me. I asked him how he was feeling and we chatted as if we had already known each other. It was during that conversation with me that he said "Even a bad day is still a day." I have often since then quoted him. His outlook was so positive, he truly was an inspiration. As we ended the conversation, I thanked him again for taking the time to call me. His response? "No, thank YOU." Three days later, the shoe he signed arrived at my door. I will treasure it forever. So, this Saturday is for Sam. On the day I celebrate my fourth year in remission, I will drive to Charlotte and participate in a one mile cancer walk, on a route that goes by the stadium. I walk to honor the man he was, and the legacy that remains. And as they say in Charlotte, "Keep Pounding"--this one's for you, Sam. Just for you. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday September 28, 2005 "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday September 27, 2005 A recap of the final day: Sunday is it. Day three. The moment we wait for. Theresa and I checked out of the hotel and started the day. The forecast was upper seventies and mostly cloudy. That eased my mind about closing ceremonies. My goal was to walk the pink mile, hand in hand with Teri. We made our way to the cheering station, checking in by phone with the crew. It was a short mileage day and that is unusual for day three. There always seems to be a sense that you must hurry, or not make it by the time they cut off and sweep everyone. The night before, the walkers were even told to take their time. Sunday was a 13 mile day. "Just thirteen miles" in 3Day terms, LOL. As we approached the cheering station, we passed the Crew. I yelled "Step it up, girlies" and once they realized it was just me, they were all smiles. We parked and cheered on the walkers and soon our crew came in. Everyone was doing really well. Off they went to lunch, another 2 miles ahead. We were going to join them again, but they had blocked car access to their spot. We decided to drive on to the holding area and meet up with Ann, who was arriving in town within the next fifteen minutes anyway. The crew decided to hang at lunch until about one or after. There was plenty of time to walk two miles to holding, and we were not due there until 4pm anyway. During that time we greeted Ann and Helen (my big surprise) and walked through the park. We made a couple of calls to check on the crew then worked our way to the front...to greet and cheer incoming walkers. Soon, in the distance, we saw a group that looked familiar. Ruth and her pink capri's, Kelle and that familiar stride. Is it them? I'm sure enough to walk over and get ready...and we made our way to the edge of the crowd. Soon they approach, as a team, holding hands. Their victory is sweet and we step out...Me, Theresa, Helen, and Ann. Hugs all around and emotion takes over. It's time for the crew, as a complete team with Theresa and I, to walk on in to the holding area. "You ready?" Kelle said. "Let's do it." I grab Kelle's hand, and the team moves forward. We are flanked on both sides by tons of people applauding. The corridor is very long and as we walk, I cry. I cry for many reasons...the pain of being unable to fully participate with them, the joy of walking at that moment with them, the gratitude for the support of this applause, the gratitude that people care enough about a disease that I know only too well. It is a powerful moment. As we get near the end, I am walking with bowed head and Kel tells me to look up and smile and somehow I manage that, through the tears. We make it into holding and a man asked me if I was ok. He sees me holding the pink shirt and he knows. He understands. "My wife, four years. How many for you?" "Four, too" I say. Then he gives me a hug. In that moment, we both fully understand. I look to my left...and there are Caren and Henry! I can't believe they came! Kelle sees them and is thrilled. We all move forward and reunite with Helen and Ann. Everyone starts taking pictures and music is blasting. The walkers are excited and injury is soon forgotten. Excited chatter everywhere as more walkers come in. Soon it is time to change into our closing shirts. The walkers change into navy blue, the survivors in pink. We are staged for the final walk. The pink mile as it is known, although in this instance it is only a few hundred yards. Teri and I hug the crew goodbye and move to the side. As we are waiting with the survivors, I see them walk by, proudly carrying our team banner. Teri and I talk, and I tell her this is the first time I have had a fellow team member to walk with. It's sad, because that means another one has been diagnosed, but it's happy because she is alive and with me. We hold hands and begin our walk forward. The final walk begins...crew enters, medical enters, walkers enter...one by one, each color group moves forward to thunderous applause. Then it is our time...and as they talk we walk forward, two by two. The words are powerful, the bass in the music resonates within your entire body. We walk by spectators who are cheering and we raise our clasped hands in the air. Victory for us, because we are surviving this disease. This is the fourth year I have walked that pink mile, and yet it is as powerful as the first. I am humbled that so many people care...I look as many as I can in the eyes and say thank you. One young man, blonde hair and clear blue eyes...I do not know who he was, but our eyes met and lingered. He was cheering and I looked him steadily in the eyes..."thank you". I do not know you you were, kind stranger, but I won't forget your eyes...those caring eyes. Soon we were passing the walkers, many who had dropped to their knees as we passed. I was touched by their show of respect and appreciation. I looked to the left and saw the crew, smiling, crying, cheering. I blew a kiss and we gathered around the empty flagpole with the other survivors. Soon it is quiet and the small circle of survivors walks in. This is a similar circle that we saw on Friday. Friday's circle was for those we lost...and today's circle was for our future....an empty pastel flag was raised, as we hear the familiar chant..WE BELIEVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT BREAST CANCER. Through the tears, Teri and I embrace as the ceremony closes. Oh Teri, how happy I am that you were with me...that you were well enough to come, that you walked and you believe... We made our way to the gear to meet each other again and see our friends. I don't think there was a dry eye in the crowd. Soon I see Kelle's mother and Aunt and they both presented me with a bouquet, another great surprise! To the members who gave of themselves to support us financially, thank you. For your emotional support, thank you. I dare not call you out by name, for there are so very many. To Caren and Henry, thank you. You have been constant, steady allies with us. To "Mom" and "Aunt" Linda, thank you for caring, and thank you for supporting your girl. To Ann, my fellow survivor, who understands why we do this as much as any one person can and who brought me the greatest give she could give, I thank you, my "bosom buddy". To Helen, my sweet Helen....simply stated, I love you. To Kelle, you've been with me from year one. My sister of the heart, I know you will always be here with me. Thank you for loving me. Each day, we continue to grow, and we do it together. Theresa, Lois, Diane, Ruth, Dione...you guys have stood by me, through the ups and downs of my own diagnosis. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made this year and another year before. I can never adequately tell you how grateful a survivor can feel, but I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Teri, who knew what a year would bring? When you committed to walk, you had no idea you would also be walking for yourself. I am proud of who you are. Your strength and faith are truly an inspiration. And now we share a common bond, that bonds like few others. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your journey. To Frank, who is left behind, sometimes in the shadows. Thank you for the secret notes stashed in my bags. Thank you for loving me, for getting me through. You let me be me. Sometimes that isn't easy. Without you, my life would never be the same. You are my rock and I love you more than ever. To Puff, who proudly wears her believe band--whose eyes I see are my own. I love you sweet girl. So very, very much. To Hannah, who just last week twisted a french fry and said "Look Mommy, a cancer ribbon!". One day, little one...one day you will understand how it all began. Another year for this team has drawn to a close and yet those memories of this event will go on forever. Our fight goes on, too....Carolynn's Crew is ready for a new challenge in a new year. Soon San Diego will have their moment, too. Thank you God, for another day. Monday September 26, 2005 In addition to the powerful closing ceremonies of yesterday (which I will post tomorrow), I had a dream come true. A big dream. The number one thing on my list. I met my Helen. Four words, so very precious to me. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday September 25, 2005 8:30am: We're checking out and hitting the road now. I probably won't be able to get back to you until later tonight. I spoke to them just a bit ago, and they were hitting a BIG hill. Pray that their weakened bodies can carry them today. TODAY I WALK THE PINK MILE WITH TERI! This is the first year I have walked with the survivors and had a team member with me as well. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday September 24, 2005 9:30am: The Crew is on the road and we are now trying to get our bearings to try and meet them. The temps are down today and that's a VERY good thing. I talked to Kelle and Diane and they were doing well. Kel's feet are holding up better than we thought, so far. Our poor crew was limping this morning, but their spirits are high. 3:30pm: We met the crew at the lunch stop today. Normally the lunch area is about half mileage for the day, but today's lunch was a bit farther... at 13 miles! It was nice to sit with them and hang out for a while. There was a slight breeze and we were able to sit in some shade. They are blistered, bandaged, and sore, but when I left they were still smiling. In a few minutes, we'll head back out, this time to meet in camp. It seems today's directions are a bit better than what we had to work with yesterday. 9:30pm: Home again, home again... We met the gang at camp and were able to spend a good amount of time with them. When Lois and Dione came in, they told me that one of my quotes was on a sign, as the walkers came into camp, and they had pictures. That was a nice surprise and we walked out and took a picture of me with it. While we were doing that, someone asked if I was "the Carolynn". click here to view Chicken for dinner (big surprise, huh?) and a rest under the tent--our team was all together for the evening. Tomorrow's route is a much shorter distance...before we know it, closing ceremonies will be upon us. Ann is coming in tomorrow and we are looking forward to seeing her!! Thank you God, for another day. Friday September 23, 2005 5:45am: Off we go....opening starts at 6:30, we're supposed to be there at 6am. Dressed and ready....high temps today-- 87, ugh! 10:15am: The opening ceremonies were awesome as always. We were at the front of the group at the fence. Teri stepped forward in a line of people who each said one sentence. "We believe in the spirit of our breast cancer survivors" Her voice was strong and she looked beautiful. I heard the emotion in her voice and felt the bond we both share. Walking through the crowd, our team filed out. At the edge of the lot, it was time to say goodbye. Of the four years we have walked, this is the second time I have had to say goodbye and watch them leave. As much as my heart and head knows that I have given my best to this event, it is painful to see them walk away. With tears, I thanked each walker, hugs were given and they began the journey. Theresa and I drove ahead to get our bearing and find their first pit stop. On the drive back, we passed the walkers (including our Crew) and we waved and cheered for all of them. It was very gratifying to see so many people walking for the cause. We stopped for breakfast and met a young man whose mother is a survivor. I gave him a PRM card and a Believe pin to send to her, and he was so very grateful. I've just called and checked in with Kel. They're doing well, and approaching pit stop two. They've already hit a few inclines! We are gathering our things now and heading for cheering station number one. We hope to see them there and then move on to the lunch with them. Theresa and I will need to check into the next hotel this afternoon, and I'll check back in! 7pm: "Home" at last. At my last post, we were leaving to find the crew. We made it to the cheering station with a bit of time to spare. Everyone looked great! It was very emotional to look into the eyes of the many walkers, applauding them and knowing what it feels like from the other side. I saw walkers struggling physically and it was those women with whom I tried to make eye contact...to show my appreciation, to let them know that I was proud of what they were doing. I saw survivors cry as they walked by, and I understood that emotion. Soon I saw the familiar faces of the crew and heard the familiar cadence that Kelle had composed from last year. They stopped for a while and I was so glad to be able to spend time with them. They were about a mile from the lunch stop at that point. Our next hotel stop was to have been a 35 minute drive. That turned out to be 1 hour and 40 minutes, after Theresa and I were given three sets of differing directions. In my past career, I used to travel weekly, and I'm quite familiar with highways, signs and maps-- but this was an utter nightmare to find. Roads are unsigned and we roamed aimlessly for way too long, LOL. We finally made it to the hotel at 2pm. At that point I thought I was done in for the day. I did not feel well and laid on the bed for a bit. I debated my ability to make another trip to meet the crew in camp. After a rest and lunch at last, I felt well enough to give it a go. As fate would have it, we were again given poor directions (mapquest is no longer my friend, LOL). Even the hotel staff sent us the wrong way. Caught in some fairly heavy traffic at 5pm (even though we avoided the turnpike), I made another call to the gang. They were all in and tired...ready to shower and eat. By the time we would have made it, IF we would have made it, they would be ready for lights out anyway. We turned around and headed back, and at last are here. I knew this trip would be a difficult one for me physically. I hope to rest well tonight and start fresh tomorrow. We'll be calling them and then meeting at the cheering station, and I do hope I can make a visit to camp tomorrow. (Don't panic...and you know who you are, LOL...I am ok, and I'll be even better tomorrow.) Our Crew is suffering physically, so please say a prayer for them, too. It's been a long, hard, physically demanding day. I won't speak for them, but give them the opportunity to share their story, in their own words. I am very proud of our group. I am reminded of the words we heard at opening this morning..."you come and you give the best you can give." In my heart, although I am not out there walking and tonight I sleep in a hotel, I AM giving the best I have. That's all I can do, it's all I have. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday September 22, 2005 11am: Ok, Diane and I are here and sitting in the Roanoke airport. I've spoken with Theresa who is safely in Philly. Ruth should be on the ground by now. I've got internet in my "tent" (aka hotel, LOL), so I'll be reporting in throughout the weekend! I'll give you guys the play by play of the event right here. Wish us safety and cool temps... 6pm: Five of us are now here in Langhorne! After a slight flight delay, Diane and I landed. That's when the fun began, LOL. It seems that there are TWO baggage claim areas for our airline. Kelle (along with Ruth and Theresa) were at one area, and Diane & I at another. It was quite a comedy of errors as we tried to locate each other. I swore that I walked straight out the door after getting our luggage, and she swore that she was sitting right at the sign for baggage claim. We finally found each other and made it here to the hotel within about forty minutes. I spoke to Teri by phone, and both Dione and Lois have flight delays. It looks like they won't get here until around seven. Off now to forage for food..... 9:30pm: Back now and time for lights out. When we returned, Teri, Lois and Dione were checking in. (Teri looks beautifully healthy I might add!) They headed to the lounge to try and grab some food and we came back to the room. The shuttle leaves at 5:30am Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday September 21, 2005 Just a glimpse into why the 3Day event captured my heart four years ago: click here Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday September 20, 2005 "It is high time that the ideal of success should be replaced by the ideal of service." Thank you God, for another day. Monday September 19, 2005 The late afternoon and evening muscle pain seems to have been much worse for the past few days. In addition, my stomach problems are also getting worse. I do not know if this is a medicine intolerance, or the condition has just worsened. There are now very few foods I can eat without pain. I've scheduled an appointment with a gastroenterologist next week. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday September 18, 2005 One week from today, we will be at closing ceremonies, and another 3Day event behind us. The Crew is excitedly making plans as the emotion of the event starts to build. I look forward to seeing everyone. Even though I am unable to fully participate this year, I know it will be a wonderful weekend. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday September 17, 2005 "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others." Thank you God, for another day. Friday September 16, 2005 Guidance~ God guides me on a path of love and order. I am transformed. Knowing that I move through my day's activities on a path of love and order gives greater meaning to all that I do. In stillness or in action, I recognize and follow the guidance of God. Just as strands of yarn are transformed into a pattern of wholeness by a weaver, I am transformed as each step I take contributes to the overall pattern of my journey. I am an expression of strength and flexibility that embraces change along my way. Like a weaver of cloth, I weave the fabric of my life with order and design. I trust in God's loving presence. I am secure in the love and order of God. In God's holy presence, I explore possibilities and gain understanding. Divinely led in making positive choices, I am transformed! "O send out your light and your truth; let them lead me." --Psalm 43:3 Thank you God, for another day. Thursday September 15, 2005 Mixed with the other two medications I take at night, the neurontin makes for a powerful drug cocktail. It's difficult to shake the effects the next morning. I expect it will settle in a few days, but I also know that I MUST find a way to get in the bed earlier. Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: "Mommy, we can't see Jesus, because He's clear" "Mommy, if you sit on a cactus naked, it will stick you, but Jesus will heal it" Wednesday September 14, 2005 Went to Curves first thing this morning after dropping Hannah at preschool. I am enjoying that time. My follow-up appointment with the rheumatologist went well today. The bloodwork showed no significant inflammatory disease, and I had expected those results. I do not often have joint pain (except in my hips)--it's primarily muscular. The osteoporosis is worse in my hips than my back, and I don't think that's necessarily bad news at all. I still have to increase the calcium substantially, in addition to the weekly dose of Actonel. The morning dose of neurontin still left me feeling drugged, but the doctor is letting me take a higher nightly dose to compensate. I go back in six weeks for another follow-up. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday September 13, 2005 I made it! My personal fund raising goal was $5,000 for this year, and today I crossed the mark. Thank you to everyone who has so generously supported my efforts! In just over a week, the Crew will travel to Philadelphia for this years walk. Thank you God, for another day. Monday September 12, 2005 I am pleased to say that I can take Hannah to preschool, go to Curves for my workout, and still be home by around 10am. I can surely carve that amount of time from my schedule. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday September 11, 2005 NEVER FORGET Thank you God, for another day. Saturday September 10, 2005 This morning I had to add a morning dose of the neurontin. It has a tendency to cause drowsiness and a bit of a "drugged" feeling. I am supposed to take 200mg am and pm now, but have opted for 100mg in the morning, until I see what effects it has on me during the daytime. Thank you God, for another day. Friday September 9, 2005 I have decided to use the time that Hannah is in preschool to exercise. Although I have a Bowflex and a treadmill here, I want to fully commit to leaving home, leaving the office, leaving the "to do" list behind. Tonight I joined Curves, completed the figure analysis and did my first workout. I will go every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday...after taking Hannah to school. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday September 8, 2005 "I have always believed that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday September 7, 2005 It is time for me to commit to exercise. After the diagnosis of fibromyalgia (and osteoporosis), the doctor told me that I need 30 minutes of cardio each day. Exercise is no longer about training for an event, it is a prescription for my health. It's not about trying to make myself better than I was before cancer. It's sole purpose is to protect my health. To avoid his advice would be irresponsible and I know that. I will stand by my commitment to take care of myself. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday September 6, 2005 Hannah starts her second year of preschool tomorrow. This year she will go three days instead of two, from 8:30 until 11:20am. The house will feel very quiet without those little voices. Thank you God, for another day. Monday September 5, 2005 News from the gulf continues to get worse. We would expect this in a third world country, but not in our United States. The grief on their faces, the destruction---I want to keep watching, but I want to look away, too, because sometimes it is just too much. My heart goes out to everyone affected, not just the city of New Orleans---but because I was just there two years ago, this article was very appropriate. This Isn't the Last Dance By Rick Bragg Friday, September 2, 2005 It has always had my heart in a box. In the clip-joint souvenir shops in the gaudiest blocks of the Quarter, with canned Cajun music drilling rock-concert-loud into my ears, I could never resist opening the toy wooden coffins to see what was inside. I knew it would be just a cut-rate voodoo doll -- a wad of rags, cheap plastic beads and blind, button eyes. But every time, it made me smile. What a place, what a city, that can make you laugh at coffins and believe in magic -- all the way to the cash register. What a place, where old women sit beside you on outbound planes complaining about their diabetes while eating caramel-covered popcorn a fistful at a time. "It's hard, so hard, sweet baby," they will say of their disease, then go home and slick an iron skillet with bacon grease, because what good is there in a life without hot cornbread? What a place, where in the poorest cemeteries the poorest men and women build tin-foil monuments to lost children in a potter's field, while just a few blocks over, the better-off lay out oyster po' boys and cold root beer and dine in the shade of the family crypt, doing lunch with their ancestors and the cement angels in cities of the dead. What a place, so at ease here at the elbow of death, where I once marched and was almost compelled to dance in a jazz funeral for a street-corner conjurer named Chicken Man, who was carried to his resting place by a hot-stepping brass band and a procession of mourners who drank long-neck beers and laughed out loud as his hearse rolled past doorways filled with men and women who clapped in time. Now, for those of us who borrowed that spirit and used that love and then moved away, these past few awful days have seemed like a hospital deathwatch -- and, in fact, for so many people it has been. And we stare deep into the television screen, at the water that had always seemed like just one more witch, one more story to scare ourselves into a warmer, deeper sleep, and we wonder if there is just too much water and too much death this time. Ever since I was barely in my twenties, I have loved the way some men love women, if that means unreasonably. I fell in love with the city and a Louisiana State University sophomore on the same night, eating shrimp cooked seven ways in the Quarter, riding the ferry across the black, black river where fireworks burned the air at Algiers Point. I drank so much rum I could sleep standing up against a wall. The sophomore left me, smiling, but the city never did. There is no way to explain to someone who has never lived here why every day seemed like parole. Every time I would swing my legs from under the quilt and ease my toes onto the pine floors of my shotgun double, I would think, I am getting away with something here. How long now before the streetcar rattles down St. Charles Avenue and beads swing into the 200-year-old trees? How long before Dunbar's puts the chicken and stewed cabbage on the stove, or the overworked ladies at Domilisie's dress a po' boy on Annunciation Street, or the midday drinkers find their way back to Frankie and Johnny's on Arabella Street? Does my old house still stand on Joseph? It was high, high ground, on the lip of the bowl, and you could hit the Mississippi River with a silver dollar if you threw it twice. I cannot stand the idea that it is broken, unfixable. I look at the men using axes to hack their way into 100-year-old houses to save people trapped there by the suffocating water. I know there is life and death to be fought out for a long, long time. But I can't help but wonder what will come, later. My wife, as wives do, voiced what most of us are afraid to say. "I'm glad you took me there," she said. "Before." We went there on our honeymoon. Just a few weeks ago, I spent a week there, walking along Magazine, walking the Quarter, not minding the heat because that is what the devil sends, heat and water, to make you appreciate the smell of crushed cherries and whiskey on the balcony at the Columns Hotel, to make you savor the barbecued shrimp, to make you hear, really hear, the sound of a 12-year-old boy blowing his own heart out into a battered trumpet by a ragged cardboard box full of pocket change. How long, before that city reforms. Some people say it never will. But I have seen these people dance, laughing, to the edge of a grave. I believe that, now, they will dance back from it. Rick Bragg is an author and journalist. Thank you God, for another day--we have more to be thankful for than we can ever recognize. Sunday September 4, 2005 "Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto thee." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday September 3, 2005 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." Thank you God, for another day. Friday September 2, 2005 Tonight I double the dose of neurontin. So far, it has taken only a couple days for my body to adjust, and feel normal. Between all of the meds I am taking, I am having bouts of nausea, but they are not severe. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday September 1, 2005 Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday August 31, 2005 Hurricane Katrina is one of the worst natural disasters we have known in our country. The beautiful, historic city of New Orleans, where I just visited two years ago, will never be the same. The death toll rises and the destruction is almost incomprehensible. "Nothing can so pierce the soul as the uttermost sigh of the body." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday August 30, 2005 My upper body, especially my shoulders and ribcage are extremely sore. The only thing I can attribute it to is the trip to WalMart yesterday. I had some difficulty with a box that was 21 pounds and had to continually shift it. I think I've strained my muscles. I do know I'll be glad when they stop hurting! Thank you God, for another day. Monday August 29, 2005 Started on Actonel today. I pray that my stomach can tolerate this much needed medication for the osteoporosis. I made a trip to WalMart to see how I would do after being on the new med (neurontin) for four days. I did get a bit too fatigued and left earlier than planned. This evening I decided to take a quick walk. I didn't want to be in the "training" mindset, so I walked out in my street clothes and birks. As difficult as it was not to look ahead to a particular mile marker, I committed to walk fifteen minutes and no more, regardless of distance. As I saw the one mile mark looming ahead, I looked at my watch and had walked eight minutes. I immediately turned around and walked back home. Except for a little muscle heat in my thighs, I did fine. I am more proud of my ability to not fall into the training routine and dictate a distance to my body. Thank you God, for a best friend who always listens, and thank you for another day. Sunday August 28, 2005 "What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday August 27, 2005 In thinking about these latest physical complications, it seems my heart knew months before the news actually came. A few months ago, I wrote about simplifying my life. I began making adjustments to accept myself for where I am, and not continuing the path of working so hard to build myself up, only to suffer setbacks that last for months. I had come to a place of acceptance, long before a doctors diagnosis demanded it. I am pleased at making that transition on my own. Thank you God, for another day. Friday August 26, 2005 At last there are some answers. Maybe not the best news, but answers nonetheless. A couple days ago I had an appointment with a rheumatologist. After a bone density test and exam, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis and fibromyalgia. Apparently the chemo has caused my bones to weaken, at an age earlier than it is generally seen. I also have a family history of both of these issues. I will begin daily calcium along with the prescription medicine Actonel. Assuming I can tolerate the drug, the hope would be that I would at least maintain the density without further deterioration. There is some thought that it might actually improve the bone density after a year or more. I'm also starting a drug protocol for the fibromyalgia. The constant fatigue and muscle aches that just wouldn't go away, regardless of how hard I tried to build myself up, can now be explained. For that, I am thankful. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday August 25, 2005 "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday August 24, 2005 "It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday August 23, 2005 It's going to be a good school year, I just know it. Thank you God, for Mrs. Kitts, and thank you for another day. Monday August 22, 2005 update sent to Crew Walkers last week: Hi ladies, Wow the time is closing in on us, isn't it? I wanted to touch base with you on my final decision for this year's walk. I've been advised against communal living arrangements (think porta-potties) while I am still immunocompromised, and my current diagnosis is uncertain. Knowing this is my last three day event, I want to fulfill the other goal I had....to visit the cheering stations. Throughout these walks, it is those cheering stations that have brought me to my knees. When you think you can't go another step, suddenly there is a crowd of people saying thank you. What an energizer. The very thought brings me near tears. Kel knows this well, I have often told her how I longed to be a part of that. SO...this is my year. I will register as a walker, register to tent with Kel (already have), and carry full credentials, to give me all access. I plan to drive to opening ceremonies and be with you, my friends. As you walk away, it will break my heart. I know that, because I had to watch you walk away one time before. Walk for me and do your best, be it a mile or all sixty. KNOW that I long to go with you, but it would not be the right decision. I know it. I will then follow your path, hitting the cheering stations and also lunch. I hope one or more of you will leave your cell phones on, so that we can connect. I'll also visit camp in the evening, but then I must leave to find a hotel. I've already got the maps, I've got permission to use Kel's car (Lord, keep me safe while driving it). Without doubt, I will walk that pink mile. This is the first year that one of my team members is a fellow survivor. It is her hand I want to hold among the group of survivors. I love you, Teri :) I hope I have not disappointed any of you. I am doing the best that I can. Thank you for the training, the sacrifices, the fundraising. You guys are an awesome bunch. 2006 in looming in the distance and I am eager for the new challenge. C :) Thank you God, for another day. Sunday August 21, 2005 Two smiling faces, I see from afar, as I enter the terminal. My breath catches at their beauty. I love you girls, with all my heart. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday August 20, 2005 "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." Congratulations Britt & Kim. Thank you God, for another day. Friday August 19, 2005 Surprise, Kel! Thanks for making me feel so special, and so loved. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday August 18, 2005 "The optimist already sees the scar over the wound; the pessimist still sees the wound underneath the scar." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday August 17, 2005 Welcome back Myria. We really missed you! Thank you God for little girls and gardens, and thank you for another day. Tuesday August 16, 2005 A brief rain tonight, at last. The air smells so good! Thank you God, for another day. Monday August 15, 2005 A week from today Abigail has orientation and school starts two days later. Wow, another summer gone. I'll miss my brown-eyed girl. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday August 14, 2005 "When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday August 13, 2005 "The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak." Thank you God, for another day. Friday August 12, 2005 This is the warmest summer we have had in years, and I am simply miserable. The heat is stifling me. Please send rain. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday August 11, 2005 I met with Dr. Stefanini today and found out my cultures came back clear, which was good news. Over the past two to three weeks, I've been having problems with numbness and tingling. Initially I thought it to be a bit of lymphedema when it was only in my arm, but it spread to my left leg as well. Each day it gets progressively worse. Although I take a mega vitamin daily, I am now on high doses of B-1 and B-6. He did another blood test and if it comes back negative, I will have to consult with a neurologist. My previous bone scan showed narrowing in some discs and that may need a follow up. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday August 10, 2005 Thanks, Teri...for today. We'll walk that pink mile together. Thank you God, for another day. And because I've received emails asking, these are McVitie's Digestives. Tuesday August 9, 2005 It's a good day when UPS arrives with a box of McVitie's Digestives. Thank you God, for another day. Monday August 8, 2005 "A word is dead When it is said, Some say. I say it just Begins to live That day." Thank you God, for another day. Sunday August 7, 2005 "Our character...is an omen of our destiny, and the more integrity we have and keep, the simpler and nobler that destiny is likely to be." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday August 6, 2005 "Mommy, when you and Daddy go to heaven, can we keep Sable and Silver here with us?" "Yes, honey, of course you can." Thank you God, for another day. Friday August 5, 2005 "Of one thing I am certain, the body is not the measure of healing - peace is the measure." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday August 4, 2005 "I have always adhered to the philosophy that one should speak and show the truth, because knowledge leads to free will, to choice. If we keep quiet about what cancer does to women's bodies, if we refuse to accept women's bodies in whatever condition they are in, we are doing a disservice to womankind." I just came across this quote, and it mirrored my own feelings...and why I chose to reveal images of myself, post surgery, last year. The entire journal entry was written on June 22, 2004 and the photos were taken six days after my second mastectomy--both of which can be seen here. I continue to hold strong to those feelings. I still wear no prosthesis, and feel very comfortable with my decision, the one right for ME. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday August 3, 2005 "Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday August 2, 2005 "It is the characteristic excellence of the strong man that he can bring momentous issues to the fore and make a decision about them. The weak are always forced to decide between alternatives they have not chosen themselves." Thank you God, for another day. Monday August 1, 2005 School starts back in twenty-three days and Abigail will be in second grade. She has already made it clear that I simply need to drive up and drop her off, I don't need to go inside with her. We haven't gone inside since kindergarten, so I was prepared for this. I am proud of my big girl. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday July 31, 2005 Frank, my angel, this is for you: "There is no more merit in being able to attach a correct description to a picture than in being able to find out what is wrong with a stalled motorcar. In each case, it is special knowledge." Manet, Monet, or manifold, I love you. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday July 30, 2005 "It is the heart always that sees, before the head can see." Thank you God, for another day. Friday July 29, 2005 "The first wealth is health." This is a tough year for the crew. Almost every walker is dealing with some sort of injury. Many are also dealing with issues that are making it difficult to fully commit to training time. It is indeed a sacrifice to get ready for the 3Day event. I can see why walkers participate for one or two years, then transition to crew or another role. I am happy to see Carolynn's Crew, a group of women in their 40's-50's, participate for the fourth year. A lot of teams don't hold on that long. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday July 28, 2005 "Human excellence means nothing, unless it works with the consent of God." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday July 27, 2005 Just when I think I cannot take another minute of the summer heat...rain, glorious rain. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday July 26, 2005 "If there is to be any peace it will come through being, not having." Thank you God, for another day. Monday July 25, 2005 I had to make a phone call check in to Dr. Stefanini as requested. And, as he predicted, this new medication is working and I take it for another week. My Dr. Stef can fix anything, just like my Dad. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday July 24, 2005 "Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday July 23, 2005 "Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity." Thank you God, for another day. Friday July 22, 2005 The summer heat is terrible. We haven't had a summer like this in years. I wonder what the fall temps will be for the walk. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday July 21, 2005 It seems like the news meds are already beginning to work. I have to call Dr. Stefanini on Monday to touch base and then wait another week to get my blood tests and cultures back. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday July 20, 2005 "Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday July 19, 2005 "It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it" Thank you God for guidance, peace and another day. Monday July 18, 2005 I went to see Dr. Stefanini today. After lots of questions and an exam, he feels the problem is not viral at this stage. I start a new med today that he feels certain will help me. After looking at last week's blood results (from another doctor), he does believe I have some problem with my immune system. He is running lots of blood tests and cultures and I should know more in two weeks. Thank you God, for a doctor who I can count on, and thank you for another day. Sunday July 17, 2005 Home after a full week away. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday July 16, 2005 "Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible — not to have run away." Thank you God, for another day. Friday July 15, 2005 I made a quick call to Mom, On the road to Michael's house. It was a bit over four hours, but the girls were immersed in movies, and the trip was fairly uneventful. We stopped for lunch in Spartanburg, and the heat was almost unbearable. It felt great to wak into Michael's at last, where we were greeted by pets galore. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday July 14, 2005 Our last day in Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg. We did a bit of shopping and the girls took their last dip in the pool. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday July 13, 2005 We went to Knoxville Zoo today, which was just a 45 minute drive. The girls had never been to a zoo, so it was an exciting day. Hannah couldn't understand why they wouldn't let her inside the fence to pet the elephants. While we were looking at the chimpanzees, along with many other zoo guests, one of them made eye contact with Abigail. He walked right up to her, pressed his face to the glass, and held his arms open, as though he was trying to hug her. She responded to him the same way. What a sweet gesture and one that made her day. Just as we were leaving, a hard rain set in. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday July 12, 2005 Another hot day, so we took the girls to the park early. There were no crowds, and they eagerly ran from ride to ride. By evening, Hannah was asking to go to "Catlinbird" for funnel cake. Thank you God, for another day. Monday July 11, 2005 H O T ! We expected a week of rain, with the recent tropical storms moving up the eastern part of the US, but it was ninety degrees today! Frank and the girls enjoyed the pool, and the cooler evening hours were reserved for roaming the shops in Gatlinburg. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday July 10, 2005 We leave tomorrow for a week long vacation. After a few days in Gatlinburg, we'll drive over to Michael's on Friday and stay through Sunday. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday July 9, 2005 "I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." Thank you God, for another day. Friday July 8, 2005 "You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday July 7, 2005 Another visit to the doctor, and an extension on the meds. There is some question to the validity of the original diagnosis. I return tomorrow for blood work after a 12 hour fast. After a second week on the meds, if I am not better, he wants me to let Dr. Stefanini take over. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday July 6, 2005 Be safe, Bob and Sue. I love you both. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday July 5, 2005 Because I left England as a toddler, and visited only once at age 6, I have no conscious memories of my granddad (my Mom's father). My grandfather here passed away when I was in high school. (I still miss you, Pop.) I have spent thirty years creating, or perhaps remembering, my granddad. My mind had created a man with a gentle soul, a quiet spirit and a smile that would melt your heart. I saw that very man, the day I walked into Mom's house to see my Uncle when they arrived. It was almost disconcerting, yet most gratifying, to see this man I thought only existed in my mind. I took the opportunity to share this with him, and he said "I am my Dad, 20 years ago". Thank you God, for another day. Monday July 4, 2005 We had a cookout at Mom's today and spent time with Bob and Sue. They leave Wednesday morning, to return to England. The month has passed too quickly. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday July 3, 2005 I have been on meds for a viral infection for almost a week, but show no real signs of healing. I will contact the doctor and go back for a follow-up. I may need to take a second week of meds. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday July 2, 2005 This family time has been good for us, as I realize how much Frank's brothers mean to me. Ian and Kristie had also driven over, with their son Caleb. It was great to see them again. Thank you God, for another day. Friday July 1, 2005 We drove down to North Carolina today, to meet up with Joey and Drew, two of Frank's brothers. Although the memorial service is not until August, I thought it important for us to connect with Frank's family at this time. It was a way for Frank to begin to accept the reality of his brother's death. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday June 30, 2005 We received the call today that Frank's brother passed away. I met Butch almost twenty years ago, and in a strange series of events, and certainly destiny, I met his brother Drew a few years later in another state, and then married his brother Frank nine years ago. We will miss you, B. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday June 29, 2005 "Hope is the dream of a soul awake." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday June 28, 2005 B, we love you. Thank you God, for another day. Monday June 27, 2005 We had an amazing thunderstorm today. How I love the rain, and the cool breeze that follows. The sweet feeling that I am alive accompanies those breezes. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday June 26, 2005 The summer heat bears down, and I am drained. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday June 25, 2005 "It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Thank you God, for another day. Friday June 24, 2005 My little miracle, you are four years old today. Oh, how I love you, Hannah. Happy Birthday, little bumblebee. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday June 23, 2005 "The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday June 22, 2005 "By the choices and acts of our lives, we create the person that we are and the faces that we wear. By the choices and acts of our lives we give to the world wherein our lives are lived, hoping that our neighbors will find our contributions to be of worth, and hoping that the world will be a little more gracious for our time in it." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday June 21, 2005 Michael is in and we had a wonderful dinner for Mom's birthday, and even finished off the night with fireworks. Happy birthday, Mom, I love you! Thank you God, for another day. Monday June 20, 2005 The radiologist agrees with Dr. Stefanini's assessment of the CT results. I will continue this medication, which does seem to be helping. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday June 19, 2005 "There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself." Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday June 18, 2005 I spoke to Dr. Stefanini and he was frustrated that I had been given the wrong information, and even more frustrated that I was being asked to wait ten days. He said he needed to check into that, and within five minutes, the phone was ringing, and I was told the test could be done this afternoon. The brain scan looks good, but it's likely I'll need to proceed with the allergy shots and deal with my sinus issues. Dr. Stefanini has called in a new medication for me to start immediately. Thank you God, for a doctor who cares, and thank you for another day. Friday June 17, 2005 I arrived at the hospital only to discover that I had been given the wrong prep instructions. I had specifically asked if I could eat and take my meds, and was told yes, because the CT scan was scheduled for no contrast. That was incorrect, Dr. Stefanini wanted it with and without contrast. They said the earliest they could get me back in was ten days from now. I'll call Dr. Stefanini, because I doubt he'll want me to wait that long. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday June 16, 2005 Dr. Stefanini has decided to do a brain scan tomorrow. He said that with my cancer history and the sepsis I had in February, we cannot take any chances. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday June 15, 2005 The dizziness continues, but my blood pressure seems to have come back to my normal, which is still a bit low. I am continuing to monitor it at home to see if there is any pattern to the dizziness. I am definitely out of sorts, and I wonder if it is even inner ear related, from the months of sinus infection I have battled since December. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday June 14, 2005 I met with Dr. Stefanini yesterday, to discuss the problem I am having with dizziness. The only description I can come up with is that my eyes and brain feel "over-stimulated", especially when I am out in the car or walking through a store. It's possible my vertigo is the culprit, but when I arrived at the hospital, my blood pressure was very low. He has put me on vertigo medication as a start, but by tonight it is obvious I cannot tolerate the drug. I took a pill last night and also this mornings dose, but it hit me so hard I was barely capable of rational thought or speech. By tonight, it seems to be leaving my system. Thank you God, for another day. Monday June 13, 2005 http://www.thesurvivormovie.com/ This needs no other words....Thank you God, for another day. Sunday June 12, 2005 Rather than paraphrasing, I will just include the email I sent to Carolynn's Crew walkers on Thursday: Hi guys, As members of Carolynn's Crew, I wanted to take a moment and update you. Before I do, let me say kudos to your fund raising efforts! Knowing that last year a chunk of the monies came from the Willitts donation of 60 shoes, I think we are doing great! If you do not follow my journal, you may need to go read a bit to get a better feel for what I am saying. For those of you that do read, you know my history. I have spent the last many weeks pondering my current state of health, my history, and my goals for the future. It has been a priority of mine to take care of my body, especially since my cancer diagnosis. I must continue to keep that commitment, even when doing so forces me to make difficult choices. In the end, I must feel that I also make the RIGHT choices. My current health is simply that...my current health. I cannot agonize over whether it is a result of cancer or not. I am older, I am post menopausal, I am who I am, and where I am TODAY. I have pushed my body and my body has responded. When I couldn't stay on my feet for an hour, I traveled to DC with Frank. When I thought I could not walk three miles, I walked five. Two weeks after surgery, I walked twelve. At times, I have felt I was stronger and healthier than ever before--in my life. There has been a price to pay for those successes, however. Without fail, I suffer physical setbacks. For every summer I have trained and pushed, I have spent the fall and winter at my physical lowest. My body slips further and I continue to live through highs and lows. Can I continue to push myself, and if so, at what cost? I do know that I need to maintain a physical state that is manageable. Extreme highs can no longer be paid for with extreme lows. The tradeoff is too hard on my body. This is no long a matter of what I can or cannot do, but rather what I will or will not choose to do. I am still working through details in my mind, but this is what I know for sure, and what I feel very settled with: 1. I want to continue to remain involved in the Breast Cancer Three Day events. I have no desire to move to a less physically challenging event, just to be able to fully participate. The Three Day grabbed my heart as I sat in a chair on chemo, and it holds my heart today. I have every intention of attending this walk and many in the future. 2. Carolynn's Crew and the Pink Ribbon Miracle website are still important to me. I want to see what the future holds for both, and I hope we continue to grow. I eagerly anticipate our first conference next year. 3. I will try to regain my strength by some form of exercise, but that exercise will not be dictated by the demands of a walking training schedule. 4. I accept that heat is simply intolerable for me. I want to continue to be your team leader, even though I will not be walking every step. I hope in some way I can continue to inspire you, as you do me. I am not sure of specifics regarding the walk, but will settle into more detail as time goes on. I would love to hear from you all. Let me know how you feel about my decisions. This will also appear in my journal soon. I hope you can understand where I am coming from. And with that.. I STILL BELIEVE, C :) Thank you God, for another day. Saturday June 11, 2005 "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved." Thank you God, for another day. Friday June 10, 2005 Either I am having worse issues with the vertigo, or this new medication is causing unpleasant side effects. I feel like I've been on a carnival ride all day. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday June 9, 2005 There are moments that you know you are doing right by your children. "Mommy, next time you pray, pray for my legs because they hurt". Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday June 8, 2005 "There are days when I drop words of comfort upon myself like falling rain and know that it is enough to be taken care of by myself." Thank you, Pen. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday June 7, 2005 Time passes too quickly when I am in Charlotte. Thank you God, for another wonderful day. Monday June 6, 2005 Breakfast served out in the back among beautiful flowers, and a day spent shopping and just relaxing. Life is good. Thank you God, for a little brother who grew to become a best friend, and thank you for another day. Sunday June 5, 2005 I have looked forward to this day for weeks now. I get to visit Michael for a couple of days, and I can't wait to see him! Thank you God, for another day. Saturday June 4, 2005 The most precious gift arrived, and I see that someone else understands a daughter's love for her father. Thank you, my friend. You left me without words. Thank you God, for another day. Friday June 3, 2005 COMPUTER CRASH! Goodbye power source, goodbye motherboard, goodbye hard drive---but Hello, Beav. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday June 2, 2005 The new medication that Dr. Stefanini has given me has improved my sleeping. I am still waking in the night, but not as often, and that has decreased my level of fatigue. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday June 1, 2005 Another month has gone. Spring seems but a memory as that familiar humidity sneaks upon us. Again I am reminded of the difficulties Summer brings. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday May 31, 2005 Abigail, you are seven years old today. Where has time gone? With each day, I see more of myself deep inside those brown eyes. Are you blessed or are you cursed? Perhaps a little of both. I love you, my sweet Puff. Thank you God, for another day. Monday May 30, 2005 No school today and Frank was also off work. We had nothing that HAD to be done, or somewhere we HAD to go. Those days are few and far between. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday May 29, 2005 "Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday May 28, 2005 "Love and time-those are the only two things in all the world and all of life that cannot be bought, but only spent." Thank you God, for another day. Friday May 27, 2005 "Insist upon yourself. Be original." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday May 26, 2005 I've been off of the two week trial meds for 48 hours, and the joint pain is very evident. Tonight I feel excessive fatigue, but I have a new medicine to try. I am optimistic that all will be well. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday May 25, 2005 What a joy to find a soft furry kitten in bed with me. Good morning, Sable. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday May 24, 2005 When I was little, my dad's hands seemed as if they could hold the world. If I measured my palm against his, I couldn't help but marvel at the difference. To me, they were so big, so strong. How could a daughter feel anything but safe with hands like that to guide her? Today, I see that my dad's hands hold more than I ever imagined-- an openness of spirit, a generosity of heart, a father's timeless love and loyalty. Thank you for the greatest gifts a father could ever give. Happy Birthday Dad. I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you God, for another day. Monday May 23, 2005 Hannah finished her latest antibiotic today. Abigail and I went for another set of xrays. Great news, we show NO infection in the sinuses now! She does have a cold and cough, but no more infection. Dr. Forehand (allergist) did another procedure, where he went into my sinus with a scope/light. They look okay, but he is concerned about the allergy test results. My reaction to dust was extreme. He said that the symptoms may not manifest themselves with congestion, but rather with chronic fatigue and headaches. (At that point, I had not even disclosed to him that I was feeling tired) He has recommended allergy shots, and I will discuss this option with Dr. Stefanini when I speak to him next week. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday May 22, 2005 What's wrong with cutting back on what I do? Choosing what is "too much"? The answer, rationally, is "nothing". For me, it seems to be a bigger issue. If I don't do it all, will others think that cancer has compromised my abilities? Am I not "better than ever" AFTER cancer? Yes, I am. I am a better person, and my passion for life, my appreciation for life has grown ten fold. My purpose has been clearly defined. Do I need to define that with the number of activities I complete each day? Rationally, I also know that answer, too. "No." Where have I been the past four years? Diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant, radical mastectomy. Chemo through pregnancy and afterwards, leaving me sterile. Port-a-cath malfunction that led to the catheter entering my heart and subsequently removed. Dysfunctional bleeding, biopsies and a hysterectomy, forcing me into early menopause. Questionable mass and another mastectomy. Infections that continue and a four day stay in the hospital. I have yet to stay healthy a full year without a surgery or hospitalization. Yes, that must take a toll on the body. Who am I and what am I doing? I am a 41 year-old Mom to two young girls, who are high energy. I am active in my Church, where I am Church secretary, teach a youth class, organize the Ladies functions, and act as webmaster for the Church website. I own a club website and message boards with a membership of almost 4,000 that takes a lot of time to maintain. I also spend time on this website and message boards and try to promote it whenever possible. I am accepting speaking engagements to share my story, my miracle. Yes, that's a full life. Where am I physically? I must pace myself. Activities must be planned in such a way that I do not go out every day, all day. It is just too much for me. I need a day or two each week that I can stay home, and work from there. I have not started training for the walk, because I just can't do it. I am very fatigued, and more than anything, I need to sleep. What can I give up, or what do I do? I'm not sure that I am prepared to give anything up. I do need to redefine some of my obligations, though. That's where I am giving serious thought. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday May 21, 2005 After discussions with Dr. Stefanini, I feel certain that part of the answer for me lies within setting new expectations for my body. Do I do too much in a day? Is there a new "normal" after cancer? The answer is yes, I know it to be so with all of my being. ( Perhaps my issues are not post-cancer related. I am older now. I am post-menopausal at an earlier age than nature would have intended. Who can say?) How do I make this transition? Thank you God, for another day. Friday May 20, 2005 To begin, I must write out the words. What problems am I having? Primarily two issues--I am bone tired and not sleeping. Perhaps one has an influence on the other. I have a lot of joint pain, especially at night and in the mornings. Dr. Stefanini put me on a pain medication for two weeks, which I am taking now. It does eliminate the joint pain. The goal is to see if it settles my system enough that when I come off of it, I will sleep and feel rested. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday May 19, 2005 I am so grateful for my life, my survival, that it is difficult for me to address my physical limitations. I don't want to sound ungrateful for my health, because I am not. I do not want to make it seem as though "surviving" isn't good enough, because it is. To be honest, to be true, I must admit that I am having some difficulties. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday May 18, 2005 Happy Birthday, Kel, my sister of the heart. My life is better with you in it. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday May 17, 2005 I have been asked to speak to a cancer support group in a neighboring town at the beginning of June. I am more than willing to share my story and look forward to the opportunity. Thank you God, for another day. Monday May 16, 2005 Six week follow-up was scheduled for today, but changed until next Monday. The level of fatigue is pretty intense on certain days, and sleep seems to evade me. The intensity of the headaches has lessened on most days, and for that I am thankful. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday May 15, 2005 "Watch your thoughts; they become your words. Watch your words; they become your actions. Watch your actions; they become your habits. Watch your habits; they become your character. Watch your character for it will become your destiny." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday May 14, 2005 While out today, I found a candle with Hebrews 13:5 on it. This verse is so very significant to me. For the first time, I am going to pull an entry from my chemo journal and post it here. I had just been diagnosed seven days previous, had already had a radical mastectomy, and was sent to a specialist to discuss the options for my pregnancy: Leaving Johnson City, November 27, 2000 We are driving into a rain. As I look out in silence, while Frank is driving, I see a full rainbow. The soft drops of rain are cascading down the window, and then I hear the words as clearly as if they were spoken aloud. "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." Slow tears down my face mirror the raindrops, and I know that I will survive. Thank you God, for another day. Friday May 13, 2005 Through the highs and the lows, I thank God for my life. All around, there are people that are struggling. There are lives that have been lost, yet mine was spared. While I strive to find what is a reasonable expectation of myself physically, after my cancer, and subsequent illnesses, I have never been more sure of anything but this: THANK YOU GOD, FOR ANOTHER DAY. With all my heart and soul I mean that. I would not be alive today, without YOU. Thursday May 12, 2005 Dr. Stefanini has given me a two week medication, and then we will do a follow up and see where I am physically. I have been unable to begin training for the walk. Candidly, I am doing more than many people do in a day, but I do find that I must pace myself, and shift my errands, etc. Dr. Stef and I will talk more in two weeks, but I think the goal is to get me on an even keel, rather than peaks and valleys. How we get there is yet to be decided. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday May 11, 2005 Sometimes, you just can't ask "how?". Welcome home, sleepy bear. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday May 10, 2005 Thank you God, for brown eyed girls, lime green forks, and fruit salads at McDonald's. And thank you, for another day. Monday May 9, 2005 Hannah's voice is raspy and she is coughing. We've been off of the antibiotics for a week, and already illness is returning. I took her to the pediatrician today, and he did another xray. The sinuses have improved from five weeks ago, but she STILL has infection. Now she is taking another, stronger, antibiotic and antihistamine. In two weeks, we'll make ANOTHER trip. Somehow, someway, we have to rid our bodies of these infections. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday May 8, 2005 Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life. This is the heart of a mother. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday May 7, 2005 Headaches are becoming more intense. I even went and had an eye exam, just to rule that out. Even a bad day, is still a day, as Sam said. I couldn't agree more. Thank you God, for another day. Friday May 6, 2005 My scans came back all clear, and now I only wait for my blood work results. Thank you God, for three and a half years of remission, and thank you for another day. Thursday May 5, 2005 "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday May 4, 2005 I have finally finished the thirty days of antibiotics, and await my follow up in two more weeks. The headaches had subsided, but now I am no longer on meds, they have returned. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday May 3, 2005 Fatigue is always my shadow. I feel it lurking behind me. As much as I try to leave it behind, as many times as I have thought I have won, it is there. But I am alive, and I refuse to surrender. Thank you God, for another day. Monday May 2, 2005 "Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." Thank you God, for another day. Sunday May 1, 2005 "The more intensely we feel about an idea or a goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment. " Thank you God, for the peace to follow my heart and thank you for another day. Saturday April 30, 2005 "Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out. Patience is genius." Thank you God, for another day. Friday April 29, 2005 "This is courage… to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday April 28, 2005 Early this morning, I moved my leg and felt one of my incisions break open. I had to be at the hospital for my scans at 8am anyway, so Frank just put steri-strips on the wound. Once at the hospital, I had my blood work done, and was advised to go to the emergency room to have my incision checked. The doctor agreed that it was too deep to heal on its own, so he ended up putting four staples in my leg. I went back to radiology for my CT scans, and since I had a bone scan last month, I didn't have to repeat it today. Dr. Stefanini will call me in the next day or two with my results. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday April 27, 2005 My stitches were taken out today, and the pathology report was also back. All four biopsies were pre-cancerous. I am glad I had them removed, and thankful there was no cancer. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday April 26, 2005 Tonight I was guest speaker at a ladies meeting in another town. It was an honor to be able to share my story with the group. Thank you God, for another day. Monday April 25, 2005 Sometimes it is hard to believe it has been three and a half years since I went into remission. My scans are scheduled for Thursday. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday April 24, 2005 "Look at the day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's when you had everything to do, and you've done it." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday April 23, 2005 "The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one." Thank you God, for another day. Friday April 22, 2005 I received the news that Etta's cancer had not spread to her lymph nodes, and as I spent the day rejoicing, I received the news that Tammy's husband, Russ, passed away. From highs to lows....how cancer affects us. Rest in peace, Russ. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday April 21, 2005 Abigail will be seven years old next month. I have seen a big change in her mannerisms over the past few months, and this particular age seems to be a real milestone in my own perception of her. I've always looked at her as just a young child in many ways, but now I see her as a little girl...with her own identity, her own persona, and a strong sense of independence. These are qualities that she has always had, but they continue to define who she is on a daily basis. She becomes more "girly" each day, as I watch her put on jewelry and become more concerned with her clothing and appearance. Thank you God, for that almond-eyed little girl, who holds my heart in her hands, and thank you, for another day. Wednesday April 20, 2005 It's time for my annual scans and blood work. Dr. Stefanini scheduled me for next Thursday. I won't need another bone scan, since they did one when I was admitted to the hospital last month. Thank you God, for Dr. Stefanini and thank you for another day. Tuesday April 19, 2005 I had a 2pm appointment with the surgeon yesterday, to do a follow up on my stomach. I'm staying on the same medication, and will have another colonoscopy and scope in September. While there, he also biopsied four areas (three on one leg and one on my arm), and I am now a bit sore with eighteen stitches in my leg and five in my arm. Next week I'll get the pathology, which I expect will be all clear. Thank you God, for another day. Monday April 18, 2005 "There are good days, and there are bad days, but even a bad day is still A DAY."- Sam Mills I am honored to have met you, Sam. Rest in peace. Thank you God,for a man who inspired many and thank you for another day. Sunday April 17, 2005 "I hear much of people's calling out to punish the guilty, but very few are concerned to clear the innocent." Thank you God, for another day. Saturday April 16, 2005 "As to the adjective: When in doubt, strike it out." Thank you God, for another day. Friday April 15, 2005 "Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday April 14, 2005 "Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday April 13, 2005 Thank you God, for fruit roll-ups, school cafeterias, and thank you, for another day. Tuesday April 12, 2005 Abigail had her first practice with the Marlins, her new softball team. It was pouring rain, so they met indoors and talked through the rules of the game. After two years of playing t-ball with the boys, she is excited to have a team full of girls. Being the youngest of a team that includes nine year olds, she has been placed "safely" in center field. Thank you God, for another day. Monday April 11, 2005 We roamed the downtown market, and spent a leisurely last day in Roanoke. By four o'clock we were heading home, eager to see the girls. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday April 10, 2005 A day with no "to do" list and no ringing telephones. We roamed the mall, went for a drive and made another trip to the movies. I treasure this time with my husband. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday April 9, 2005 Frank and I hit the road around 2pm and were in Roanoke before five o'clock. By seven we were holding hands walking to the movies. Thank you God, for another day. Friday April 8, 2005 Tomorrow Frank and I are leaving for a quick two night trip. This is the first time we have left the girls behind in several months. While at home, all of our activities include them because we are A FAMILY. We don't have "date nights" or the like, but we do enjoy these once in a while getaways. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday April 7, 2005 "If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday April 6, 2005 "One person with courage makes a majority." Thank you God for another day. Tuesday April 5, 2005 How nice the evenings are on daylight savings time. The extended amount of "day" brings a sense of tranquility. Thank you God, for another day. Monday April 4, 2005 HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRANK. You own a piece of me that no one in the world could ever have. I love you. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday April 3, 2005 The beautiful blanket of snow is gone, and by tonight there is no trace of snow anywhere. The sun shone bright, and Spring smiles upon us again. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday April 2, 2005 This morning brought rain and by tonight there are at least four inches of snow on the ground! It is beautiful out there right now, and what a surprise to see! The forecast tomorrow takes us close to fifty degrees, so this must be winter's final goodbye. Thank you God, for another day. Friday April 1, 2005 I am busy purging the closets of winter clothes and completing my yearly ritual for Spring. Old clothes out, and new clothes in. Drawers organized and everything neatened up. I love SPRING. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday March 31, 2005 What a powerful presentation. He Chose the Nails, click here Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday March 30, 2005 "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday March 29, 2005 "What I dream of is an art of balance." Thank you God, for another day. Monday March 28, 2005 The sun is showing itself more often these days, and I am happy for its light. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday March 27, 2005 EASTER SUNDAY. Reflections on the Resurrection. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday March 26, 2005 "The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed-- It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes." Thank you God, for another day. Friday March 25, 2005 Oh the quiet peace of Open Communion at the Church. To enter the building at will, sit in silence, to feel Your love and goodness. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday March 24, 2005 Another friend is diagnosed today. I promise to be here for you, every day, in any way that I can. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday March 23, 2005 "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday March 22, 2005 "The soul that has no established aim loses itself." Thank you God, for another day. Monday March 21, 2005 The 3Day is six months away. It seems it was yesterday that we were just registering! Fund raising is getting into full swing. I am proud of everyone's efforts! Thank you God, for another day. Sunday March 20, 2005 I don't like to talk about my physical limitations, or the current run of repeated illnesses. I don't consider myself a complainer, and I am very pain tolerant. It's time to move onto more pleasant subjects. HAPPY SPRING! A time for renewal. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday March 19, 2005 I am having a persistent aches and pains in my hands and ankles/feet. I continue to take potassium and magnesium, at Dr. Stefanini's recommendation. The temperature is slowing rising and I can get outside and try to work my muscles. Thank you God, for another day. Friday March 18, 2005 "Physical strength can never permanently withstand the impact of spiritual force." Thank you God, for another day." Thursday March 17, 2005 "The value of life lies not in the length of days, but in the use we make of them; a man may live long yet live very little." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday March 16, 2005 I am surprised by how quickly my physical strength declines when I am ill. Being down for eleven days zapped me more than I realized. Although the tremors are gone, I had to stand on my feet tonight for two and a half hours to teach my weekly youth group. I came home with a terrible back ache...and all I did was stand. I need to get back on my strength training, at least my core muscles, as soon as possible. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday March 15, 2005 I drove for the first time in about two weeks. It felt good to gain some freedom back! This was scheduled to be my first day for physical training for the walk, but I'll have to adjust. Thank you God, for another day. Monday March 14, 2005 Today I actually feel like I am recovering. The tremors are gone. I am still having sinus issues and fairly harsh headaches, but the worst seems to be behind me. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday March 13, 2005 I did not feel like going to Church, but I also knew it would be what I needed. I was in the hospital last Sunday, the previous Sunday was Mom-maw's funeral, and the previous week I was home sick, with what I thought may have been kidney stones at the time. Except for one Wednesday night service, I have missed every service lately. I made myself get ready, and although a little unsteady, I went to the morning service. A renewed soul, it was exactly what I needed. Thank you God, for the gift of your Word, for your comfort, and thank you for another day. Saturday March 12, 2005 I am trying to balance the need to move around some with the need to rest. My back aches from being immobile and I am trying to walk through the house a bit every hour. I am improving, slowly but surely. Thank you God, for another day. Friday March 11, 2005 The tremors continue, but are not as severe when I am not moving. I AM getting better, but just at a slower pace than I expected. I will give my body the rest and time it needs. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday March 10, 2005 It is a very strange feeling to have such little control over my body. I cannot stand for more than a few seconds. Sitting is also uncomfortable, so I spend most of the time with my legs stretched out on the couch. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday March 9, 2005 The tremors continue and there is little I can do but rest. I cannot fully control my legs and arms, and writing is almost impossible. (I am actually transcribing these events several days after they happened, for that very reason.) I must allow time for the new meds to start working. Thank you God for another day. Tuesday March 8, 2005 Within minutes of Dr. Stefanini reviewing the blood work and various test results, it was obvious to him what had happened to me. Between the kidney infection and sinus infection, bacteria entered my blood stream and I had a toxic reaction. I discontinued the meds given to me from the hospital, and started a round of magnesium, potassium, and Keflex (antibiotic). I have tremors in my arms and legs which he tells me is a result of this reaction and low potassium. After running some blood tests, my counts are coming up, but it will just take some time to fully recover. I find myself questioning the capabilities of physicians. Where would I have turned had I not had Dr. Stefanini? Thank you God, for your gift of this wonderful man. Monday March 7, 2005 The attending physician discharged me today. I was sent home with some pain pills and one other prescription. I picked up all of my xrays, reports and doctors notes later in the afternoon, and called Dr. Stefanini. After looking through the paperwork, I see my only diagnosis is a sinus infection and most other notations are inaccurate, to say the least. Medications that I was taking are listed incorrectly and my symptoms are documented inaccurately, to the point that it is difficult for me to believe that the patient they are discussing is actually me. Tomorrow at 9am, I meet with Dr. Stefanini. He will have an answer, of that I have no doubt. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday March 6, 2005 My blood pressure has returned close to "my normal", which is somewhat low. My potassium levels were low, but because I am a "hard stick", the nurses didn't do follow up blood work, to see how my counts were doing. It is my opinion that they should have consulted someone else to try and pull blood, rather than surrendering and walking out of the room. I have also discovered bruises on my left arm in two places. At some point while I was under the influence of morphine and not fully coherent, someone tried to pull blood, even though there was a sign above my bed to make everyone aware of the Lymphedema issue and the "no stick" policy on that side. Although I am glad to be receiving antibiotics, I am not comfortable with the skill level of the people who are treating me. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday March 5, 2005 Still on a heart monitor, my swelling is so bad I cannot remove my rings. I am being pumped full of fluids and antibiotics. I have been told that the sinus infection is very bad. I also got a clear report on the bone scan and CT. I expected no less. My blood pressure is still low, and I have had to question the many pills handed to me multiple times daily. I still haven't really been told what has caused this illness. Thank you God, for another day, and thank you for a husband that refuses to leave my side. Friday March 4, 2005 I cannot believe I ended up being admitted to the hospital. Had I any idea that this was a possibility, I would have gone to Clinch Valley, and had the benefit of Dr. Stefanini's wisdom. By the time we arrived at the emergency room, by blood pressure was very low and I had a very rapid heartbeat. Not long after, my skin turned very red, and the whites of my eyes were so red, I found myself shocked at my appearance. The emergency room ran various tests, including xrays of my sinuses, chest, kidneys and spine. Today I am still hooked to a heart monitor and receiving antibiotics by IV. For some reason, the attending physician ordered a bone scan and CT of my head. I think he suspects cancer recurrence, although I think that is not the direction we should be moving. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday March 3, 2005 Around 10:30pm, my back pain returned with a vengeance. By 12:30, I asked Frank to take me to the emergency room. Assuming I would get some pain medication, get back on another round of antibiotics (as I was told I may need) and return home, I chose to go to emergency room at a different hospital, but one that we have used before. I was so glad to know that I would soon get some relief from the pain. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday March 2, 2005 "The place where your greatest fears live is also the place where your greatest growth lies. Why would you ever run away from that?" Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday March 1, 2005 My test results are back, with fairly normal results and no evidence of stones. (Crystals that could possibly form stones in the future) Monday February 28, 2005 I awake in the night, and my first thought is that Mom-maw is not just down the road any longer. I guess it will be a long time before it really seems real. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday February 27, 2005 The funeral was today, at 2pm. Dad had the service, and I know she would have been so proud of him. What a wonderful final tribute from a son to his mother. The choir sang her favorite songs, and the special singing brought me to tears. The time had come to say our final goodbyes. My heart was shattered as I watched my Dad remove his glasses and stroke her face. I touched her hand again, and kissed her forehead one last time. "Bye Mom-maw" I whispered and walked away. The burial followed and then we returned to the Church for a meal with family and friends. It was important to Dad that we have a "feast" to celebrate Mom-maw's life, and that is exactly what we did. Tonight, I am weary, but at peace. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday February 26, 2005 Death is foreign to me. I have a small family, and other than the loss of my grandfather almost twenty-five years ago, our family is intact. I am forty one years old, and his is the only funeral I have ever attended. The plan for today was a family dinner at 4:15, with the wake from 6-9pm. From 5-6pm, the family would have private time to spend with Mom-maw. She was brought to the Church, and that in itself was a comforting environment. The Lord has given us tremendous peace over her passing. There were so many positive aspects, that it helped to relieve some of our own grief. As I walked slowly up the aisle, viewing the many flower arrangements, I saw her from afar. In a deep pink suit, she looked beautiful. My heart broke for a moment, as the reality of her death was very real. At the same time, I approached the casket and felt joy, knowing where she is now. The choir sang, and many people came through the Church. I left tonight with a sigh of relief. The evening was not as traumatic as I had feared. Thank you God, for your gift of peace. Friday February 25, 2005 Mom-maw had two wishes while she was in the hospital. One was to return home and the second was to be in Church on Sunday. The Lord allowed her to return to her home, and we are thankful for that. She hung on until Thursday, sleeping more than thirty-six hours, longer than the medical team could even understand. But we know why, and we know how she did it. Mom-maw will now get her second wish....she'll be in Church on Sunday. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday February 24, 2005 At 4:23pm, Mom-maw took her final breath. Her passing was gentle, as her breathing slowed then stopped. There was no struggle, as the Lord took her safely home. As I write this she is seeing things that we can only imagine and never comprehend. She is reunited with Pop after almost twenty-five years. I love you Mom-maw. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday February 23, 2005 Last night, Mom-maw felt into a sleep that the hospice nurse says she will not awaken from. Her medication has been removed, and her oxygen has been taken as well. She is resting peacefully. When I called Mom to check on her, I could hear her breathing. It was not labored, just a peaceful sleep. The fact that she has survived this day is a miracle. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday February 22, 2005 The IVP was done today, but I won't have results for 2-3 days. The pain has greatly diminished. We went to see Mom-maw this afternoon. She is leaving us, and soon. Her legs were restless and she could not really speak. I saw a glimmer of recognition in her eyes when I spoke to her and a faint smile crossed her face when she looked at Hannah. At other times, it was as if she was looking through me. She is not suffering, and I thank God for that. I kissed her hand, I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. Oh how soft her skin is on my lips. Thank you God, for another day. Monday February 21, 2005 Welcome home, Mr. Miller. There was not a single week that passed, that your beautiful children did not pray for your safe return from Iraq. God Bless our troops, and thank you God, for another day. Sunday February 20, 2005 When it rains it pours. Hannah is still sick and the last 24 hours have crawled by for me. Lortab has taken the edge off of the pain, thankfully. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday February 19, 2005 The pain has become quite intense and I'll be so glad when Tuesday gets here. It seems to be kidney stones, but we need verification of that. Thank you God, for another day. Friday February 18, 2005 "Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday February 17, 2005 Tests today show little sign of infection, so the new medication is definitely clearing that up. I also had a blood test to check my kidney function and am scheduled for an IVP on Tuesday. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday February 16, 2005 There is a possibility that I have kidney stones, so tomorrow I go back to the doctor. I just want to know what's going on, so I can get better. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday February 15, 2005 The pain has moved up into my kidneys, so yesterday the doctor switched medications. It gets worse as the day passes, and I am trying to put my feet up for a while at night. Thank you God, for another day. Monday February 14, 2005 Happy Valentine's Day Frank--my husband, my heart. When I can turn to no one else, I can turn to you. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday February 13, 2005 We took Mom-maw a valentine card today. My mom has hung photos and cards all over her room to brighten things up. Mom even "planted" some bright silk flowers in her back yard, where she can see them out the window. Since Mom-maw can't leave her hospital bed, this brings her some cheer. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday February 12, 2005 "To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible." Thank you God, for another day. Friday February 11, 2005 "The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears." Thank you God for another day. Thursday February 10, 2005 Forty years ago today, I came to the United States from England. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday February 9, 2005 I started antibiotics for infection, after a quick trip to the doctor today. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday February 8, 2005 "An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come." Thank you God, for another day. Monday February 7, 2005 Hospice has been set up and today Mom-maw came home. It's all we ever wanted for her, it's all she ever wanted. You are home, Mom-maw, YOU ARE HOME. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday February 6, 2005 We went to visit Mom-maw again today. My girls bring a light to her eyes, and a smile to my face. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday February 5, 2005 How many times I whispered "Bring us a surprise" in your ear, as you headed "to town"...and you always did, too! Thank you God, for another day. Friday February 4, 2005 I remember the chest freezer full of strawberries, Mom-maw. What a treat when we were little! Thank you God, for another day. Thursday February 3, 2005 I know you want to go home, Mom-maw. We're trying to get you there. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday February 2, 2005 Mom-maw, you looked so pretty today, when the nurse had just washed your hair for you. Your blue eyes were so clear. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday February 1, 2005 How great is it as a child, when your grandmother has a pet monkey? Mine did. Thank you God, for another day. Monday January 31, 2005 I love foot rubs even today, because Mom-maw gave the best ones when I was just a little girl. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday January 30, 2005 We're praying for you, Mom-maw. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday January 29, 2005 We're supposed to have a big storm come through. I always get excited at the thought of a big snow, where nature forces us to slow down. Thank you God, for another day. Friday January 28, 2005 My plan was to really work on getting back into a routine with the BowFlex, but it just isn't happening. I do not feel defeated, it just cannot be a priority at the moment. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday January 27, 2005 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." Thank you God, for the gift of Myria, and thank you for another day. Wednesday January 26, 2005 Mom-maw is back in the hospital and very ill. She was only home for three days. Thank you God, for allowing her to go home. Be with her, even now, and thank you for another day. Tuesday January 25, 2005 "The cistern contains: The fountain overflows." Thank you God, for another day. Monday January 24, 2005 School was closed again today. Abigail had a cartoon day to celebrate. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday January 23, 2005 Single digit temperatures, ice and snow today resulted in no Church services. I stayed inside all day---one of my favorite winter pleasures! Thank you God, for another day. Saturday January 22, 2005 Michael has been in since Wednesday, and it has been such a joy to have him around me. Thank you God, for another day. Friday January 21, 2005 "Those undeserved joys which come uncalled and make us more pleased than grateful are they that sing." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday January 20, 2005 "Every man is entitled to be valued by his best moment." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday January 19, 2005 "Like music and art, love of nature is a common language that can transcend political or social boundaries." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday January 18, 2005 "Patience is the companion of wisdom." Thank you God, for another day. Monday January 17, 2005 School was closed today and Abigail couldn't be happier. There's nothing better than waking up and finding out you don't have to leave the house!! Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: We have a variety of cheeses in our refrigerator. Hannah was going through the drawer, and came across sliced swiss cheese. Of course it has the holes in it. "Mommy, is this mouse cheese?" "Yes" "Can people eat it?" "Sure, honey." "Here Mommy, YOU take a bite!" Sunday January 16, 2005 Winter weather is back! Thank you God, for another day. Saturday January 15, 2005 "We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." Thank you God, for another day. Friday January 14, 2005 I am praying for you, Mom-maw. Get well. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday January 13, 2005 "Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." Thank you God, for another day. Hannah-ism: I have a Lampe Berger lamp, and was burning a new fragrance, Honeysuckle. It's a bit too sweet for me, so I carried the lamp into Abigail's room. Hannah was playing on her sister's computer and I walked in to see her. "It smells really good in here, doesn't it?" I said. Her reply: "Yes, it really does." --pause-- "Just like Silver throwed (sic) up in here." Wednesday January 12, 2005 "It is easy--terribly easy-- to shake a man's faith in himself. To take advantage of that, to break a man's spirit is devil's work." Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday January 11, 2005 "The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough." Thank you God, for another day. Monday January 10, 2005 Unseasonably warm temperatures--Abigail and I were outside without jackets. The air felt great, like a fall day! Thank you God, for another day. Sunday January 9, 2005 The doctor has given Hannah a stronger antibiotic and another medicine for her cough. She now has an upper respiratory infection. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday January 8, 2005 Hannah is not recovering like she should. She has a persistent nighttime cough that we can't shake. I switched to a different medicine today, and it isn't helping either. Tomorrow afternoon, we'll go back to the doctor. Thank you God, for another day. Friday January 7, 2005 "Let us love winter, for it is the spring of genius." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday January 6, 2005 Another day waking to fatigue. I had to run an errand, and forced myself outside. As I walked across a parking lot, the mist of rain hit my face and the cool air entered my lungs. I stopped and inhaled, then whispered aloud "Oh, thank you God, this feels good. I am alive" Wednesday January 5, 2005 I awoke this morning still fatigued. I'm trying to force myself to eat more protein, yet be careful not to upset my stomach. At last, the nausea is gone. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday January 4, 2005 I am incredibly weak. This illness has taken seven pounds off of me since Sunday. Thank you God, for the little girl's kiss and the whispered words "I'm gonna kiss this girl" in my ear as I napped... and thank you for another day. Monday January 3, 2005 STILL SICK. The minutes are crawling by, one by one, too slowly. Frank had to stay home today, it was impossible for me to care for Hannah. Thank you God, for the comforting touch of my husband. Sunday January 2, 2005 SICK. Looks like the girls have gifted me with their stomach virus for the New year. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday January 1, 2005 "Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve" HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Thank you God, for another day. Friday December 31, 2004 Frank and I went to bed at eleven, and watched television until the New Year arrived, then it was lights out. Thank you God, for another day. Thursday December 30, 2004 My thoughts wander to the New Year, and what changes I would like to make in my life--to be a better person, to focus on matters that are important, not the trivial. "The great and glorious masterpiece of man is to know how to live to purpose." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday December 29, 2004 Abigail is now on the upswing. We've stayed in all day, just to make sure she gets plenty of rest. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday December 28, 2004 Abigail is now sick, with the same thing Hannah had. Just as I was thinking she had escaped. Thank you God, for another day. Monday December 27, 2004 Michael came in last night, and we spent the day together today. It was so great, as always, to spend time with him. I love you, brother. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday December 26, 2004 Hannah has been sick for two days, and today she ended up at the doctor's office. In addition to a stomach virus she also has a sinus infection. Now Abigail and Hannah have both started antibiotics. Girls, mommy loves you all the way to the moon...and back. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday December 25, 2004 4:50am- "Mommy, mommy! Santa came, the presents are here!" Thank you God, for the gift of Your Son. Merry Christmas, Everyone. Friday December 24, 2004 Christmas Eve spent with my parents. My Dad, again this year, put together gifts and fun that had us laughing so hard our faces hurt. We played Pictionary, and spent quality time as a family. My heart sings as I see how my girls love my brother, Dean..and how he loves them. Thank you God, for giving me a loving, caring, close family. Thursday December 23, 2004 Our family spent the evening at my grandmother's house, celebrating Christmas with her. Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday December 22, 2004 Three days til Christmas! The girls are getting very excited about Santa's visit. Today we saw him at the mall. Abigail asked for an Exercise Care Bear and Hannah wants a desk. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday December 21, 2004 "What I like in a good author is not what he says, but what he whispers." Thank you God, for another day. Monday December 20, 2004 "One who cultivates clear thought, self discipline, and vigilance can make an island of tranquility that no flood can wash away."€¯ Thank you God, for another day. Sunday December 19, 2004 SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! It's a beautiful white world outside my window. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday December 18, 2004 "Some things have to be believed to be seen." Merry Christmas, Gail. Thank you God, for another day. Friday December 17, 2004 Hannah had her preschool program tonight. I love you, sweet girl. "S is for Silent Night" Thank you God, for another day. Thursday December 16, 2004 "Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday December 15, 2004 Ten days until Christmas! I can't believe how quickly it has come upon us. I look forward to Christmas morning, the four of us together. Time spent together as a family AT HOME seems all too rare. I am at a place now where I will limit the activities outside the home, in order to have quality time with just our family. Thank you God, for another day. Tuesday December 14, 2004 When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang up my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I knew that little things are special things. When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I believed there is a God I could always talk to. When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night, and I felt loved. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking, I LOOKED.... and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking. Thank you God, for my children. Help me to be everything you want me to be. Monday December 13, 2004 Wow, it's snowing! Everything is starting to turn white. How I love to watch the snow from inside my nice warm home. Thank you God, for another day. Sunday December 12, 2004 Even though the tree is up, it doesn't seem possible that Christmas is upon us. It's time for a nice snowfall to put us all in the mood. Thank you God, for another day. Saturday December 11, 2004 It won't be long before I must really commit to preparing myself physically for next year's walk. With a typical realistic training schedule, March 1 would be my start date. Thankfully, that puts a good part of winter behind me by then. January and February need to be spent on the BowFlex strength training. Thank you God, for another day. Friday December 10, 2004 "A good example is the best sermon." Thank you God, for another day. Thursday December 9, 2004 "One needs something to believe in, something for which one can have whole-hearted enthusiasm. One needs to feel that one's life has meaning, that one is needed in this world." Thank you God, for another day. Wednesday December 8, 2004 "I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face.... I say to myself, I've lived through thi